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Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.
-Albert Einstein
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A resolution I plan on making is to be more wholesome in my life. There is no direct list that I am referring to, as this year, I will make things simple. Although I did resolve most of my aspirations last year, there was something that I didn't do. And no, inner voice inside my head, its not that I hadn't sold any art pieces. It was that I wasn't being wholesome. I didn't express myself fully, and now, look where that has taken me. I am anxious when I hold that bundle of whatever form of energy I have inside. Like water, I must rise above the tensions the situations may hold, and be pure in my expression. And so this is my start to the new year. Not another day in the life of Daniel James Marquez, no. Every day feels like this! I am concerned about what I can mold the mornings into. There is a peace in this.
Six months later...
June 30th, 2016
I have quite the load to catch up with you.
Gotta live life well,
Shout beyond your horoscope and
Try your might in
sheer delight when
one sees the path
of everlasting glorification of yourself.
October 14th, 2016
I cannot explain what atrocities have happened to my writing enigma. That sentimental load unfolds whenever I pick up my trusty pen, and I allow my thoughts to bleed into the ink that stains white. Whenever I am here, in the fronts of my intense state of imagination. Those loose cotton strands twirl in the air before they land somewhere on the face of the internet if lucky, otherwise, the wind is unforgiving and pushes their existence elsewhere. That state of mind is where my lumping mind lies. It's been bad, and I mean bad.
Rewind to before Marine Combat Training and even before boot camp, I was an utter mess. Nothing out of the ordinary
Then I received a message as I browsed Facebook intensely distracted. . I hesitatingly answered "yes" to my recruiter. That was perhaps the biggest example of my being too nice I've agreed to.
The screaming, the wrath of tension, the restless nights like that of a horror movie, all of it, as I laid in my rack staring beyond the ceiling, I couldn't help but wonder how real was my reality. Yes, this is actually happening. No, I cannot wish away the pain. Already, my mind yearned for the lonesome mornings of solitude hoping for the world to blink and remember the past as the present. Here we go, I thought. This will be the defining moment of my true ambition, something to reignite the engine of my drives and the will of my determined spirit. I never realized how awake I was until that very moment.
Then my life changed from then on.
I woke up to a challenge I've been waiting for since as far as I can remember. Sixth grade, even.
The more I learn, the more I am changed, and the more I regain from and overcome my former self. This is what it means to be educated. To love to learn and to englid the glory of expanding one's horizons, and see the airglow of everlasting life.
One regret is how little I wrote, and the miniscule amounts I was able to pull off during those three weeks is an insignificant amount. There needs to be a regulation in my writing, one without the craft has to have another medium to express himself or herself. My mind spiraled out of control, and the wealth of my well-being has degraded into something of a tornado session at boot camp where we dumped all of our belongings on the floor and shuffled everything around like a card salad.I stutter, I become frantic, I don't understand and twitch under quivers to just be normal. It's my own ignorance and undisciplined mindset that traversed a healthy body into one that isn't so much, but these twitches have been around for a quite some time, actually. Since I was in elementary school, even. I'd have these spurts of excitement, "wiggling with happiness" I often called it. Whatever happened to that daily innocence that I've so dearly held upon?
When I die, I'd like for there to be a novelty glow, positioned right at the crevice of dayglow, to glorify the effulgence of the sun as I do, and no matter where I shall live on, I'll always bring forth the prevalence of imagination as Disney once did. Humbleness cannot be forgotten with progress.
Admin SchoolThere is a thing of welcoming definitions that wonders beyond.
It's not often that I find a powerful source of discontent. Rarely do I ever find the curriculum of sin to be so enthralling to my contained dark enigma, but yesterday tells another story. I, rarely do I glance this sort of derogative language, disgust myself. It was a typical sunny afternoon, one that wished for warmth but is shuttered by the laughter of the wind. We stood out in formation and made the time our friend with stravaged conversations and dilly-dallying all the way. Our minds were catawampus, our thirst for adventure trailed the lustful path too often, and our reasoning lay adrift with our common sense. Almost. Hardly anyone was productive with their time, and not in the introverted way I prefer, lounging alone with but a papered companion and nightscape songs to enrich the mind. No, these people were buffs. Anyways, after being dismissed, the Marines rushed to the barrack, gathering around the gunnery sergeant. Private Downs, a Marine who was also from Lima Company, muffled the expected toot of groans. I wasn't myself, which to that I noted something utterly unmannerly. A female nearby rolled up her face in detestation, then it hit me. Who have I become during these past few years? Where has my mind gone to? I don't appear to have a box of respect to care for what future lies ahead, nor for even the immediate tasks ahead. I dress because I am required to be presentable. My laundry hasn't been done in weeks, and there aren't many clothes to wash, either.
To decay the wrath of the monotonous lifestyle and preserve my order, I must learn to be one with my inner calling. It's even in my name, Daniel, which means "Only God is my judge". Sleep in peace, wonder in awe, contemplate with the air, be wholesome in my heart, and never lose that spirit of the wonders of imagination. Be well, live well and make sure that everything is in order with life.
Take nutrition seriously. Now this blog has become an online sticky note wall.
During boot camp, there were several instances where I cracked the slightest of smiles but held my baring at all times. Here are some of those instances:
The senior drill instructor, as buff, powerful and all around insane person he was, gave me the nickname "Oswald" for my resemblance of the character in the show "Gotham".
When we had classroom formation a day before Family Day, the drill instructors had us do impersonations of other drill instructors around the company. One Marine wrote down quotes from every drill instructor in our platoon, and, in turn, had his notebook confiscated out of preserving the memory.
One time a recruit couldn't get his salute right when reporting his post for firewatch, which is a nightly routine of guarding the facility. He was front post, a drill instructor walked on deck, and the mayhem started from there. "Attention on deck! Good-" No, get back! He retries. "Attention on deck! Good evening, sir!" Still no luck. The drill instructor sighs and says "Get that cup out of your hand!" to which the recruit replies "but sir, I am not holding a cup in my hand."
During Marine Combat Training, as I prayed in my rack, my "rackmate" as we called them noticed and leaned over and asked if I was Catholic, to which I replied a short "yeah". His grandmother used to pray with him regularly just like mine had with me nightly. I told him something I hardly share, emotions, as happy as I am, that I missed my family. My grandmother always loved with her might, and was a devout Christian. Lopez then notes "Hey, if you don't see her again, just know that she's gone only for a little bit."
Just a little bit.
As the night dragged on, I slept scrolling through the memory book of my life.
When I imagine, I think of the world. There doesn't exist another planet we love as immensely as this one. No other home can compare the time and efforts we've invested into keeping our home as it is. As time progressed, as maturity settles into the timeline of humanity, slowly that trusting tender touch lost its softness, and more do we forget why Earth is our home. To protect, preserve, and keep the order of the blessings of its creation, we mustn't let go of the immense opportunities that Earth provides. If tomorrow is true, then today must reign in prosperity, for not another moment shall enlid the glories of life.
Beautiful planet blue, infinite minds of truth, we hone our curiosities beyond our own warmth, and preserve the ways of the endlessness we call life. Forever be loved, forever we think.
I never wanted to go as far as I am going in times of peril. There is a longing for me to live a gloriously wholehearted life with sheer joy shared constantly, trying everything I can, never resting within my comfort zone if a chance to push beyond was apparent, and living as imaginatively, seeing and sharing my philosophies and beauties in life as often as I can. Without the life of love, I am nothing. My heart cannot be selfish, for it is too big to fit within my soul. But, as the course of my times here roll on, a vision of dying for a cause lay drift in my manners. To remember loved ones and be remembered as the soul who lifts. Remind me I am not alone, lord, for you await. To leave a legacy of everything I've worked up and do more with the incredible mind I've been bestowed. Lost, I feel. Worried, I dream. Pleased by the intensity of my willpower but not from the lack of dreaming.
March 19th, 2016
19:36
Gosh, how often do I use the internet? To catch up on my grammar, to get out of this spiraling mess of life that is my own, to be more adept to my inner environment, all of that, is what I need. I need. I NEED TO STOP THIS RALPHODIDDLESQUAT.
I did, however, talked to my mother a few hours ago. Mother called as I marched my way to the library, just as I was signing out. My phone buzzed. Looking at the caller ID, it was a familiar heart of fulfillment.
"Yes?" I questioned.
"Mijo! Como estas, Dany?"
"Bien, bien. Y tu?"
The conversation carried on with my feet, eventually surfacing her immigration case, our immigration case, and how she wanted to know whether I sent in all of the materials in the package.
"I did, didn't I?"
She then passed the phone onto my older brother, Robert. Something about his tone was abnormal. He seemed tentative, moreso than before, and hesitant. Before long, he didn't know what to say, and hung up from there.
The phone buzzes. BAGH.
I feel so simple! It's an utter annoyance to be sublimed into such an atrocity of the mind, buried beneath one's own ignorance and never letting forth that shine! Like my fellow subordinates, incompetent of withstanding a wholesome, hearty bite of intellectualism, there isn't much of an aid I can resist. The ways my mind wander aren't as prevalent as they used to be. They're... somewhere in the distance.
Where have I gone?
Who am I? I don't think I know anymore.
March 23rd, 2017
10:40 a.m.
I can't believe I'm still doing the same things I did a month ago, a year ago, even five years ago. No longer am I doing-
March 24, 2017
1:43PM
If I want to know
The ways beyond the truth
If I want to know
How infinite love is.
The times they bind from love
With all things pursued, my dove.
Having at the moor, lift and sound off
March 31st, 2017
1:11 P.M.I never realized that I hadn't written about my vegetarianism. Even during boot camp, with all the calories I burned, I tried to maintain my fruitful diet, squeezing a meat-free morning daily. Well, almost daily. I was surprised that there were vegetarian MREs when they plopped in our laps. The salty taste is passable. Some of them weren't all that bad, even some being better than the dried meals to go at grocery stores. Out of all of them, I'd say my preferable choice (although I do not favor any as all are equal in my book, one of the discrepancies is how much I prefer some with greater odds than others) would be the veggie crumble pasta. Others found this a treasure of a meal mostly for the sides of an energy bar, candy, applesauce and other nick-knacks. Overall, my reason for becoming vegetarian was more of tire of meat. Salads were my daily fuel during senior year of high school. After having had greens for months on end, I altogether stopped my "meating" and hadn't associated a reason until much later in the year, in thought.
The moments I carried,
The little I do,
Sunshine and cherries,
And it's all for you!
1:23 P.M.
April 24th, 2017
7:57 A.M.I need to get cultured. There is a world out there, and I am doing nothing to be helpful of my situation. With life and world, the mighty universe to behold, we dance in the prairies and sing in the rain, without the world and life ahead and beauty to withstand. I love life infinitely.
A new class and
May 1st, 2017
2:49 P.M.My frustration, the contempt I preserve, how, could I be so ignorant? I don't care even for the promotion. All I wanted was to make history, and I failed at that, too. The chiding surrounding me vexes my stimulated sense of angst and anger, and a reserved emotion I hide intentionally for it has no need for the outside world. I cannot be like this anymore. Complacent and disturbed, driven by the fire of being myself. They cannot be more than I am. I need right this solecism. Avenge my thrive.
All those naysayers absorbed into my emotional box have no room for more temptation.
May 24th, 2017
Oh, I've become complacent. Not sure what is truly preventing my progression. I'll pass soon, and if I know about all the things I'll miss, with so much potential I have, it's something of a distraught. I graduate in five days and it's the weekend. Hmm. My oh my, what a life I've yet to live. my sentences may be frilly and stringed with decorative words and figures of speech, but the overall meaning is flawed, lacking logic or true substance. They don't make sense, and I've been told so as well. Hmm.May 31st, 2017
The vacation....
Day one. The ride to the airport.
The weekend was going to be a long one since I forgot my uniform back at the school house. It was two months of "rigorous" training. In all reality, it wasn't. The hardest thing about the whole of the thing was what to do with my free time since I had an abundance of that.
A resurgence of my innovation, of my wealth of opportunities, of my imagination. I need God! I need to get things done, otherwise I wouldn't be able to do the things I dream of doing. Hmm. Do something incredibly great. If you want to fulfill your purpose, you have to open up your mind to do things you would never have thought of. Stop bullying yourself. It isn't helping. None of it is. When you finally realize how much you are missing out on life, then go for it. Please, welcome the world, not destroy it with pessimism.
Young children. They are the essence of purity. Their eyes are unweighted by the precedence of judgement. Malala Yousafsai. Get out of your comfort zone.
July 29, 2017
You know, I never seem to do anything that I haven't planned for. Lately bugles sound their prominence and awaitSeptember 9, 2017
4:00 p.m.
I want to turn over a new leaf. The current me defaults to unreasonably robust forlorn, racking the weight of past devil cries and never truly appreciating the monumental good I portray or attempt to in spirit. There is hope, and I shouldn't have to lecture myself in this criteria.October 16th, 2017
1:16 a.m.
October 22nd, 2017
4:30 p.m.
Who am I when no one is looking?
Let's see. So far, I've been a YouTubing melodramatic English avian who browses the internet in the wrong places and wrong times. Now let's take that and turn it into something, someone I can appreciate. But who am I if I do not appreciate myself?
Lately, I have been in the trough trying to find meaning to my life and what lies beyond the walls of my mind. So far, I have not been diligent in my strife, thus the endless sulking was born. Reading this one book I've had my mind on, "The Untethered Soul", it is rekindling that spirit I had three years ago in the tenth grade. The gifts of imperfection. That's it! November 3rd, 2017
I need this. Maybe it wasn't how I was referring to sin as a means of alleviation of my stress, maybe I need a reconsideration in how I am effectively conducting my life. Maybe I just need a new perspective. Help. I don't know what I need, but if it is something that can be construed and tried, then that's just what I'll do. A change of heart and a change of mind. I've been hiding for quite too long in my life and am just falling short of my true self. What is it that I need?December 4th, 2017
The Convention.
Day One, Thursday.
When I packed up my belongings, I left without saying goodbye to my family. My mother saddened, but still texted me my farewell and prayers. It was six in the morning, I was showering, packing when I should've done that a week ago, and double, triple checking the things I needed and the things I wanted to bring along for my room in the barracks back in Parris Island, where I am stationed. Neevi, a panda pharmacist who works for the government, sent Dosen the Fox to help me with my belongings. When I stepped out, I was off to the second part of my vacation, to a convention of warm effervescent creativity where imagination ruled and the only limits were the sky. I excited on my way there, creeping out of the confinement of my inner chambers of my comfort zone to be the person I always was but hardly had the courage of sharing. For the first bit, we drove to drop off Dosen. I held up the hype and cheered my way down the road, hoping that I don't fall asleep anytime soon. When we arrived, I noted that there was a change of atmosphere within the Equinox, and one that benefited my wellness. I sang, chittered about whatever it was to chitter about, we picked up Comet the red panda who is really blue in color, I met his parents and we headed our way to the convention. On the way there, Comet reserved to himself and jammed on his phone. When I wanted to chat and socialize, he hardly ever piped in on the conversation. We stopped by a semi-vegan café that served good omelets and other breakfast items. When I saw the first, or should I say "furst" fursuiter in Chicago, I screamed, giggled, waddled and bobbled in my seat with intense joy and happiness. I was enamored. The furfest is here! Oh, and I already felt the everlasting love glowing.
I began the journey with a rambling of hugging and meeting up with furs, old and new. I dug through my luggage, popping on a red flannel shirt and some dark beige pants. Garnering a book bag about as worn out as my heels after the final day, I was ready for the weekend. Although a plethora of panels were available, I attended but a few, and the popular ones, at that. Floor wars, the variety show, and the opening ceremony. I was in line, waiting for something to happen, but, instead I socialized per use and made a subtle friend there. Subtle, in this case, refers to how easily I can be forgotten but when seen face to face, they'll remember me.
After the day was over, since neither dealer's den nor the art show/alley were open, the majority of the time was spent in selfies. I actually bumped into a few furs from an old pal of mine from Telegram. A chat that was disbanded due to complications with the group admins. We then chittered and lounged about. They were named Nightkat and Nik. After socializing for a bit, we hugged. As a hugging enthusiast, the warmth of shared intimacy was brought back to the private quarters of Kat's room. I learned something new that day.
Day two, Friday.
December 25, 2017
I didn't even bother to write a post on her. She was gone. I was at my boyfriend's house to which I'll later leave him before the convention to come in April when I found out about the news. It was Christmas day, and I just heard word from my mother that she was fine, that she'll breathe another day. We unwrapped gifts. His family was rather inviting, so much so, that it brought about a wave of discomfort. It seems as though if people get near who I really am, I push them away, afraid that I'll hurt them. Those that witnessed the true mess I am got a big whiff of my crookedness. I made sure that I wasn't letting beloved ones too near to the abyss I am, allowing their sincere curiosity be transformed to utter disgust. I broke down. I couldn't take it any longer. I never was a good boyfriend, and I feel I won't be unless I changed who I was. My warmth was only to be appreciated, like the sun, from afar. I never intended to be the monster I am deep down in the chambers of my heart. Yet, even with her passing, my leaf of a spirit continues to fall, untouched by the autumn that beckons its harmonious beauty.
June 29, 2018
4:53 p.m.
It's been nearly a year since I last posted something. Nothing new seems to be vibrant enough to be worthy of distribution. I sigh, knowing full well I could live that life so high in the clouds, yet I remain grounded, wings still in tack, wandering the beautiful earth two-dimensionally. I don't remember everything that's happened since. I don't remember half the things I did yesterday.8:40 p.m.
As a light source, the glory can be appreciated from a distance. Come near, that illumination becomes painful to be near or see. It seems I am just that. Those that I know and have allowed into my heart I show nothing. Nothing but a bitterness of having an awkward mind. I don't know how to express emotions, and people have caught glimpse of my true nature under the smile. This might be why I choose to appreciate friends from a distance. I'll only hurt them if they near my fortress.
I got a boyfriend. I never thought the day would come, where I would be thinking about, planning to settle a courtship with a ring. I always thought that I'd marry my pen pal from Indiana, Julie. We continue to talk to this day. She now has a significant other, so that completely derails my plans. Still, I'd like to meet her at some point.
July 1st, 2018
6:48 p.m.
Philly, Philly!
Traveling is a call to renewal for the senses, mind and soul. It is a revitalization of the spirit, enchantment of the heart and it adds magic to the littlest of details. It is the essence of life!
With down time, I doodle in the open layers of my mind. There wasn't much going on that I could place a tack on, yet I still had an interesting day. I had a friend over back from another convention I attended. We promised to play, but that never happened. As I traced my steps for the past hour (this was just past noon) I finally got a message. "Should I come over or you?" Now, I was staying with another friend, and he was at work. I didn't want to upset him from my benevolent belligerence. I still wanted to hold that friendship. "Yah, you can come over. I brought my suit!"
(f you read anything about furries, don't take it into account. Have a trustworthy guide into the minefield, otherwise you'll be tainted with the sheddded blood of the media and the soured masses.)
By the time he arrived, I dozed off on the carpeted floor (comfier than my own bed). Without much conversation, we got right down to business.
Pictures really are inaccurate reads of reality. They distort the real deal for better or worse. If I had trained myself for him, it would've been for the better. But no. Butt no.
It felt as though I was tasting again a cheesy jalapeno dip. My anguish, the crying muscle stretched too fast. It wasn't before long until I tapped out, transitioning into comfier activities. After our finales, we went to get some ice cream.
That just about caps my day.
Until now.
8:40 p.m.
"What is this?" He said with a sternness that bit the small quarters of his apartment as he held a bottle of lube. I looked down and bit my lip, knowing full well what was about to happen. Makai was quick to apologize. "I'm sorry, I never meant for this to be drama. I assumed you were okay with it and knew."
He didn't need to be here, but I was one to delay his departure. So much for a friendship, and so much for a pleasant weekend.
"I'm sorry."
"Are you?" He lashed back. "I don't even want you in my apartment while I'm away. In fact, I don't even know I'm comfortable with you in my place while I'm here. Either you leave now or leave in the morning." After that, we reserved ourselves to our laptops as we sit next to each other on the couch.
Why do I make these decisions I know full well of the consequences? Why do I do this to myself?
Am I looking for controversy, stuff to add to my memoir? My mindset is already destructive as it is.
Either change now or feel the wrath of your ignorance.Where have I gone? I'm fading into darkness, becoming the person I never wanted to be when I joined the fandom.
I still have a day left of my vacation. I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
July 4th, 2018
8:11 a.m.
The time is now come. Vacation is nearly done. As I wait diligently beside my gate, eager for the nap I'll be jumping into once I'm back in my room, I can't help but think back to my weekend and how things could've been way different. First off, that drama held yesterday was easily avoidable, yet I persisted in my ignorance. Second, the host in the house I went to next after I was kicked out of the previous one boiled my temper nearly to the breaking point. She wouldn't leave me alone, nor would she stop talking to me, pestering me about what time to wake up, what time to sleep, whether I should watch this, or share my story about that when all I wanted to do was curl up on the sofa and rest for the early day to arrive. As irritable as I was, she didn't mean any harm, so I mumbled soft replies and went along. I just wanted to cry. The weekend was in my hand yet I allowed sin to guide the wheel. As much as I despised myself, I still had fun.
At some point during the night I had a chat with my now then boyfriend.
Me: "Am I a bad person?"
Bf: "Huh? In what way? And where did this come from?"
Me: "I've just been thinking as I'm reading back on my blog (when in reality I've had a wealth of struggles that brought my action/reactions into perspective).
Bf: Well, you have done very bad things and don't learn from them or want to try and learn.
Me: Mmm.
Bf: You keep making the same mistakes and it comes across as you only care about you.
Me: I understand.
Bf: That everyone is just for you to use to get what you want, not caring about those you hurt and leave behind along your way. Everyone is just a pawn for you to use and toss aside in the game of life.
Me: Hmm.
Bf: Your happiness is top and only priority, but you don't stop and think about others happiness sometimes as long as you got what you want. All in all, you're an amazing friend but a terrible boyfriend.
Me: I figured as much.
Bf: I'm sorry >_<
;(
I hope you don't hate me, I feel like you do.
Me: I'd rather take your honest opinion than you telling me what I want to hear. I hope you don't hate me. I understand if you do.
Bf: I don't.
Me: Hugs (He hugs in return). I hate myself.
Bf: Then change.
Then change.
Why is that so hard for me?
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