Some time in 2017...
There's so much more to life than endless, meaningless addictions. Find the wholesomeness inside you and plant it, water it, and let it grow into something beautiful.There's something that wakes us all up inside, that makes us unique, that allows us to be more than just a droplet of water in the sea of humanity. Some days I forget about that special quality and ride with the current. Other days I am reminded of my former self or the hologram of a new one. When I was scrolling through Twitter, my friend Kalithe wrote a thread, and the last line stuck with me: "No matter if it's been three, five, or seven years, people don't change. Change my mind."
Hmm. I beg to differ.
I just need to get out of my room and explore the area more, meet new friends, experience new things and the different kinds of people out there to inspire from, gain experience and wisdom, and add more to the resources for my imagination. This particular weekend I went to an escape room down in Savannah, GA with five of my friends, one of which I invited who lived down there. He was the only other furry. The room was rated 9/10 in difficulty, but eventually we found our way out with only 47 seconds to spare. After that, I went to crash at my friend Ash's place. We cuddled, played Donkey Kong Country, he shared his collection of antique Apple computers, classic video games, ambient lighting and bulletin boards of photos, badges, patches and memories collected over the years. Just opposite the closet was a board filled with previous convention badges. In the closet were his fursuits, to which he owned two heads, and above that was a limited edition FWA soda from 2018 cotton candy flavored and a string of custom badges of his character, Ashene Coyote. He had a mini, 3d printed figurine of him as well, in fursuit. I was a total dork when I put my fennec head on, easily excited over being called a "good boy" and wiggling like a fresh plate of gelatin. Eventually we slept, him grinding against my rump. When we awoke, I blew him until he finished, and he sat on my face until I blew my load. After that, we went to a chicken and waffle store, he paid for my stuff, and then he dropped me off at a Parker's to Uber the rest of the way back to base.
I am a family person, and I have a dual personality. When I'm being flirty, that's not the same person as the friendly, wholesome person I so desperately want to believe in. It saddened me how often I stray into the corners where my sins welcome my return with open arms.
I had a dream about a forest. Some parts of it were glowing with trees shaped like mushrooms. The route was scenic. Open roads with green fields with a smidge of incline. Trees to shade the sparse houses that dot the lands. On the way, Sgt Moser (a friend of mine from 4th battalion at the time) was training a few Marines about the fundamentals of having good posture for the rifle. As we roamed the land, a sudden change of pace came. I was with my grandmother, my aunt Mary, my mother, and my younger brother. As we crossed the street, a truck was coming our way. It didn't slow down as we helped Abuelita walk. Instead, it steered towards our direction, coming fully on our way. We had to hurry Abuelita out of the way. Another truck hurried shortly after with the same objective. I was the lone survivor.
I hate them. I need to be baptized. They made me eat meat as a five year strict vegetarian after I had lost a bet from a Super Smash Bros. Tourney. There's a video of me doing it. I despise it. When I came back, everyone we knew collected in my room in surprise and watched me as I resorted to the corner with a mop bucket over my head. Phil, a beloved fur friend, was there to support me.
I just saw a flash in my left eye. The lights didn't flicker. It was bright, white and spontaneous. I can't stop trembling, even when I think about it. I see colors. No matter how hard I try, it happens. My hand quivers. I can't focus. My head hurts. I don't know what'll happen next. I twitch constantly.
When fiction and memory become a blurry thing, when they become one. When the truth comes out.
I need Taiko.
I never realized how much until I looked back on who I am.
I want to be different. I don't know how I'm doing this. I am an attention seeker. Even with the therapy I'm getting, it doesn't justify for all the things I've done. I don't like the things I've done. Why do I do this to myself, and why do I feel so sorry for myself? I'm tired of you losing faith in these things that you have hope for. Why do you have to find something or someone to blame your faults for? What good will it do to redirect your failures and sorrows onto others? Why are you so afraid of admitting to fault?
I had a dream about my grandmother again, this time my mother took away my In memory of card of her from my wallet.
Another dream had her dying. Her papers for the afterlife were corrupted and couldn't be retrieved, so she was never able to be discharged from... life until it was too late. She finally became at peace and faded from our memory.
After playing Life is Strange 2, I realize how much I used to bicker with my younger brother, Alex. He was sometimes a mess, a nuisance, but now that I am away from my family, I miss him.
20181005
A return to my state of origin. What was it like when I first joined the Marine Corps? Where had all that luster gone, that drive, determination to be someone better, the hunger for exploration and the will to seek more than what I know? Where had that all disappeared off to, and why am I still holding that potential inward? At this rate, Sketches, my current literary project, will never be written, and the story of my life will become the very essence of the metaphor the book entails, highlights to. It'll remain solely as a sketch.
I know I've changed, and I don't know it was for better or worse. Currently, I seek aid for my mental health I feel is a step in the right direction. The lack of stepping stones is seriously affecting my outlook on life. Another reason as to why I haven't posted another blog update is because I have yet to follow up with my aspiration. Maybe all I needed was some God in my life. Right now I resort to misery.
Read more. It'll help your starving imagination.
Talk with your grandmother, too.
She knows the answer.
20191228
It's been two years since the passing of my grandmother, and I am just now realizing it's my older brother's birthday today. Why I don't update my blog more often beats me, but with the eventual End of Active service date coming up in October of 2020, I've been more reflective than a mirror maze.
I am a coward.
Sure, leaving home to join the Marine Corps took some amount of courage, but ever since then, life has been laid out for me on a silver platter. Only obstacles from obtaining the perfect life in the military were to follow orders and to grow a few layers of skin. I did both and am almost through the currents. But... when it comes to social interactions I am at lost. Still don't know how to hold a proper conversation without feeling awkward or at lost for things to say, unless if we really connect or if it's a one-on-one deal. Or if I had the alcoholic cheat code but that's another story altogether. What I do, though, is take notes by people watching and learning from past mistakes. I'll carry my tiny black Moleskine and jot down interesting quotes, fascinating (at least in my eyes) details about their life or from garnering a different lens of the world and scribbling down what ideas I might have for the next conversation, or for my novel at that.
When it comes to conflicting values or big boy decisions, I shiver in my boots with a dry throat. Standing up for myself hasn't come easy either. It's days like today, as I linger here in the afternoon chill, that I wish I knew what I was doing.
It's also been a year since my break-up with Taiko.
But I feel this is necessary to share with him, even now after being a year together with my current boyfriend. I also strangely feel like adding in the not-so-important detail that I bought my first car (don't ask, it's a Corolla). But life has been a lot more interesting now that things are beginning to come full circle with the revitalization of my former glasses of imagination and values. Rather than waste away each evening with video games like my old roommate who would throw temper tantrums at his PS4 and have to replace a controller darn near every month, I spend it in solitude reading a book with some ambient music playing softly under dim lights. With my makeshift king bed which is really two twins pushed together, it feels grand yet lonesome every night as the time ticks away of this beauty. Calls with my English boyfriend help some, but can't quite shake the obvious fact that he's not here with me in the moment. That we'll only see each other maybe once a year if we're lucky. No dakimakuras could replace the warmth of another to keep you company at night. As I make my nightly tea, all I can think about now is how much time I let slip by.
I am a coward, and this has to cease.
20200128
It's the new year. For once, in the three years since I've been enlisted, I am tightening the grasp I have on the magnitude of life. I have to get angry, furious by all the years I've spent in limbo, wondering where to go or when to act, all those lackluster attempts dissolved by the harsh reality that resides from the day-to-day activities.
20200131
What are you? A narcissist in some people's eyes. An obsessive egotistical maniac who'll compulsively attach to whatever glimmer of attention, relief, pain-killer he could sack without any repercussions. I don't know why I haven't written my book yet. I don't know where I need to go or what to do. I'm surprised I haven't offed myself yet, but I know that will only harm those I love.
Where are those values you once held? That standard of greatness that could only come from a dedicated student of life like yourself? I am a....
No one knows. Not even I, and this cycle will only continue making revolutions until I do something about it.
20200219
Something tells me I'm doing something wrong. What might that be? Living a life only half told. Hiding the true you yet beheld by the daylight of the community you enrich yourself and breathe in. You are not yourself, and you know full well of that and still refuse to act beyond murmuring in the crowd of society. You chose to blend in and look where that has gotten you. If you could see the man behind the curtain you would do a double take at this person and see if he really is the same individual you loved. I am not a genius, but I have something to offer, and I will leave a legacy with or without you in aid. The path remains unchanged either way.
20200225
The Transition Readiness Seminar really does leave you pondering. For those that may not know what that is, it's a week long course the military mandates those leaving the ranks to join the civilian workforce in order to smooth out the transition process. It retrains you to become one with society, in a sense.
20200307
I was almost out of the military. On my way to grab groceries, I got the call from my mother. I could've been there for my father. His last request to me was to attend the wedding for his niece not even two weeks ago. In hindsight, I never thought that would've been my last chance of seeing him, and I missed it, too. Specifically, I recall him saying "Come on. Just this one, and no mas." It had more of a literal meaning than I anticipated.
A few weeks later, I'm back home again. This time, my mother cleaned up the place. In the corner of the living room sat a bed. Grandmother used to sleep there and whenever she wasn't feeling well, she would make some tea or cook something for the morning. It was also common for her to turn on the television to watch some EWTN. I remember she would stand a foot from the glowing screen and gawk at whatever was playing, the majority of what she retained was auditory since she only had one functioning eye from complications with her diabetes.
Even now, I feel like I've never left. The majority of the time I've visited almost everything is the same. Friends still in the same place, same old buildings, same people, etc. Well, almost. A few new stores rose where the sad reminder of old ones sat during my high school years. A few new people I've acquainted myself with during this visit. The cold month of March wasn't as polluted with snow as I've known this place to be. With the pandemic ongoing, the funeral was held with limited people, and the normal arrangement of chairs were scattered to meet the six feet apart regulation.
Upon meeting at the cemetery, it just came to realization that my father was going to be buried adjacent to my grandmother. They never could quite get along, but now, they'll be next-door neighbors in heaven. I was in my dress blues, madly trying to keep my composure knowing full well that this is it. I never wanted to leave any regrets with my father. After years of childhood mistreatment, the older I grew, the more welcoming and forgiving he's been. When I enlisted in the military, that's when his character changed for the better. No longer an alcoholic, (with the exception of the occasional beer or two), he saw me as his son and loved me profoundly for the pride he held of having a Marine in his family. Apart from the presents I provided, he bought a USMC flag, license plate, and a frame to hang up my boot camp photo. Each visit from then on I felt bashful seeing the display.
When it came time to bring the casket to the burial site, one of the staff members suggested we three brothers to help out. Bill, who originally offered aid, was casted aside. This is our father, so we'll be with him every last step. I grabbed the lower left-hand side of the railing as the others readied. It was at this moment that the dam of my eyes burst. He had many years of life ahead of him if he weren't so stubborn to risk it all simply because he didn't want to pay the bills if my family had called an ambulance. That stubbornness costed him more than just an envelope from the hospital.
20200711
Only three more months until I'm done. No more field days, no more collateral responsibility, no more nonsense. Well, that last part is unavoidable, but I'll be able to carry forth my ambitions to the next chapter. College. Where the atmosphere is brimming with knowledge and creativity. I plan on pursuing a Bachelor's degree of Design and Media arts over at University of Nevada, Las Vegas. On a side but important note, I need to work more on my novel. Now that I have a room all to myself, there are no distractions other than the ones I create. A roommate helps channel my focus towards my objectives, but having solitude so serene is another plus.
I used to be an avid reader. The library was my sanctuary. Its quiet walls home to a world of knowledge bursting from the spines of the wealth of books to be found. Sometimes I would stay until sun down or closing hour, whichever came first. The librarians were kind enough to do their end of day routine without disturbing the few who remained until it was time to shut down. A few patrons I knew by name only from the many encounters I witnessed as they checked out movies or books. I hardly ever socialized there, unless if it was game night, which I also seldom attended.
20201012
Eleven more days until I'm done, yet it doesn't feel like the end is near. I have yet to carry out the painting that I promised my former supervisor SSgt Marshall on the walls of the office. Almost complete, but it requires plenty of work. Yesterday, I rummaged through every drawer to stuff all the undesirables in a worn out suitcase with the zipper broken and rolled that to the dumpster. So many books and knick-knacks remain. I'll have to Tetris everything I own into the small pockets of space in my sedan. Although I originally had plans to see Pilot Shep for my three day weekend, they crumbled the day before I set out. When he messaged me initially, I instantly jumped to the conclusion that this weekend wouldn't work out, but never voiced that suspicion. My hypothesis came true. Yet, it was for a legitimate reason of him potentially having caught COVID-19. We rescheduled it to the weekend before my birthday to celebrate the ensuing event. Can't help but share a smidge of a frown with that news.
Maryland, here I come.
I didn't think that I'd ever be questioning my own sanity. The more I want to dismiss the voices in my head, the more I wonder if they're more than just inner dialect.
 |
| My shop, consisting of only four people. I was the extra one on my way out. |
20201024
The day came and went. Towards the final hours, I was met with bittersweet goodbyes and heartfelt embraces as I collected my belongings to move on to the next chapter in life. I remember back in high school when I was talking to my friend Patrick at the lunch table. It was the last day of school. He asked the traditional question of what my plans were after graduation. I told him I wanted to stay as far away from the military, and to pursue a degree in filmmaking or creative writing. Little did I know I'd volunteer to enlist simply because a recruiter reached out to me. The scrawny, shy boy I once was was transformed, forever will my dedication to my cause, the grit I've learned through hardships
and the tests of courage all created a me I never thought I'd dream of becoming. The final few signatures at the IPAC, and I was on my way. Well, not before one last hoorah at B-Dubs. Although the dam of my eyes hasn't bursted yet, I know when I wake up to routine at four in the morning, the camouflage I once wore will be riddled with dust and a heavy heart. I will never forget the stunt I pulled at the Marine Corps ball. That was a world of fun. Or the stupid field days every Thursday. The meatheads I won't miss at the gym, clanging their weights and grunting like it's good sex, but it was a nice sight at least. With sadness but a wealth of hope, I turn the page and embrace for what's to come for my next chapter. I will miss the military, despite all my complaining.
It'll be quite the task to keep the momentum going. I cannot lose sight.
