9:49 a.m.
The night prior I needed, for it was a relief of the barricade I built for love, spirit and happy go-lucky joy from being harmed by the world around me. It was a 4th of July party, a furry one at that. I was looking forward to it for weeks, anticipating to see my beloved furiends once more and to unleash the beast of child-like energy I reserved. As far as food went, me being the "speshal" one as I like to say, there wasn't much a vegetarian could nom besides sugary or salty snacks. We made it at a good time as people were just starting to filter in. Awkward at first, the security for my heart's fort softened as time went on, eventually the stone cage was destroyed altogether the more I socialized and befriended folks. By the end I was twirling in fluff, sandwiched into the safety of my soft and fluffy friends in suit, dancing, hopping, wriggling and giggling until I had to jump out of my fur. I was sweating through the fabric, so cuddles wasn't as enticing to others as much. In all, it's the positive, enriching experience I was starving for all this time. Being bored in my room funks my mind in corrupt and sad ways, sometimes to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore.
Now, I'm going to grab some breakfast with my friend. Should be a wonderful day.
8:48 p.m.
I tried to catch the sunset as I packed my laptop, filling my shaker bottle with tea. The area I normally went to sit by the water and appreciate the sun wasn't optimal. The beauty lied west, and I was far from it. I am trying to destress and listen to nature, absorbing it all I could appreciating the snapshot of green serenity on my balcony. The lavender glow of the sidewalk, the dying light of ember saddened me, for its a paragon of artistic perfection.
I went because I couldn't calm myself. I needed time to think, and with my roommate's blaring piano, I had to leave. The thoughts in mind were dangerous. In fact, they felt real, and the matter scared me. That matter was suicide, and after talking to my ex, only time could tell how much longer I was going to think about it. The small specs of gold in the mound of dirt I am, maybe that's what people see in me.
10:43 a.m.
Ex:
You can do it harl
That was his last message. Then this conversation sprung.
Ex: You will never change >_>
Me: What?
Ex: You and ski
Me: Mmm.
Ex: Your still doing what you say you hate, All about sex, Nothing else
Me: :(
Ex: Its just a little hurtful is all
After your big msg and blog
And how i mean to you
Now feels empty
Lost
Another lie
Its getting impossiable to believe
In you
The hurlful thing is you are still doing what broke us apart and like we never happened
Thats what it looks and feels like
That i was and am nothing to you
Me: But you are my everything!
Ex: Hahah not really
Ive seen nothing to prove this
Or prove of you changing
You still just sleeping around with people who only want to be around you for sex
Me: :/
Hmmm.
That hurts :(
Ex: Im sorry
Im just hurt
Me: I am too.
Ex: Why are you
Its just you acting like nothing has changed and youve always been single :(
Didnt mean to upset you
Me: It's okay. I deserve it.
Ex: No one deserves it
Me: Of anyone here, I need to learn a lesson. I've probably lost my last chance at a relationship. There is no means to living if I don't have you. I've hurt enough people, lost a wealth of friends for my actions, lost as much time as I did due to my belligerence, procrastination, sporadic and unreasonable behavior, went against the word of God, disappointed my family, the list goes on. My ex's friend said this was how he saw me, even though we never met: "He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, takes pictures, puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on. All he's interested in are stories. Basically, Will, he's selfish." I don't know. I act in ways even I can't understand. At work, I sought trouble just to make life interesting. I hated it, but I did it, even though life could've been easier on me. When at a friendly gathering, I'll have an enriching time where I'm bouncing off the walls and being the goofball I am, only to step outside to cry for whatever reason. When I was with family, I'd lose their trust for I don't talk to them much, even though I love them. I am selfish, and incredibly so. Like the sun, I'm only to be enjoyed from a far. I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes, but people shouldn't be affected negatively by my curiosities.
I don't want to hurt anymore people than I already have. If you want to see change, I'll change, starting with something I prolonged for years now. I guess I seek things that promote stimulation, either positively or its counterpart, for it keeps me alive and thinking, otherwise I fall to a stupor of nothingness, because my mind is messed up beyond repair. I was raised by my mother to be loving, where I always had someone to come home to and tell my story, where I could retire to the serenity of the nearby park and appreciate that moment as it was, by the lake, sunset tinting the sky to a refreshing pink, the autumnal forest that surrounds the area a fiery palette of gold, and breathe. In high school, although I was quiet, I was surrounded by a stimulating atmosphere of learning and opportunity, and that inspired me greatly. Although I had no friends, I had that alpenglow of school. Now, there isn't much to provoke my mind. I know I can seek it, but I need people smarter than me to feed from. There's but a grain of nutrients in the dry soil here, and I don't see it of any worth, but it's what I have for now.
I don't know anymore.
I don't know who I am, what I've become, where I've gone. None of that. Not even nature can calm me as I'm sitting on the stairs like I normally did when I called you. The sunset is lavender, the streets are colored purple, the hint of sky I could see under the peaceful clouds was fiery. I have lost all hope of me ever becoming someone. It's been eons of dead nothingness. I'm just like everyone else, a philosophical zombie just living each day without thinking, feeling, appreciating the bigger beauty that lies just under the surface, never going beyond my comfort zone to indulge in the fruits of life's orchard, hesitant to allow myself to be vulnerable to defeat, struggle, emotion, and discomfort, childish in my ways for I am a fool in the making.
I can't take back what I've done, and of the broken glass, the pieces have been crushed beyond recognition.
My ex was right. You were right. What was the beauty you saw in me? It's all an act, as you say. I don't care about anyone but myself. I was better without friends for I didn't hurt anyone. There isn't much to salvage from the scrapyard I am.
I always wanted to take a psychological screening back eight years ago, for I thought something wasn't right about me. Now I know that for a fact. Practically all of my sentences begin with or have an "I" or some other variant of that pronoun. Thanks for helping me realize how much of a narcissist I am, and I don't mean that sarcastically. I have an AD to feel better about myself, for deep down the cold coal of my heart burns momentarily to provide heat, people enjoy it and go, leaving nothing but ash and blackness, only to be replace by more coal to continue the cycle of a belied warmth.
I know you have been talking to Don for he messaged me. But that's fine. Nothing matters anymore.
My rambling is over. Hear from me again or not. I don't know anymore.
Thanks for seeing the hint of gold in the rough of me.
(Don is the person we agreed to not talk to, for he only brought bitterness in that I didn't choose him as a significant other.)
Ex: *sigh*
Me: What?
Ex: What did don say
Me: [Forwarded from Don]
I heard what happened with you and Taio, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Look I honestly don't care what you did and I'm not here to chastise you at all. The only thing I'm saying is that I've lost a lot of whatever respect I had for you. But I'll talk to you and such.
This hasn't affected me seeing you as a friend though.
But what you did wasn't fair on Taio even though LDR almost never workout.
I would still like to be friends though.
Ex: He is not all bad i guess
Harl
The old you is still in there deep deep down ^_^ thats what i saw in you and thats what i still believe. You can become the person you want to be but you will never change if you still stay round those people you never wanted to be.....those people who use people for sex and nothing more....those people you call friends but is not true friends. They are just people who want to use people for selfish gain
Me: I'm crying....
I hate myself because I just wanted to be accepted, and that led me to the wrong people, changing me for the worse, not for the better.
Ex: Dont cry
People need to accept you for you
Not for your body or sex
These people should learn the real you
Not you being what they want
You need to be what you want
Then the bad people will leave
The good and true friends will stay
Me: I've hidden the real me for so long, I don't even know if it's there anymore.
Ex: It is there
You just need to not be scared of losing these people
And take the leap
Push past the wall you have made around yourself
Become the person you was proud of
Me: Hm. Take the leap. Break down my walls. Don't be scared....
Taiko, I'm terrified of the reality of it all. I'm afraid I've buried myself deeper than I can climb out.
Ex: Fear is stopping your happiness and others too
You only get one life
Why waste it with fear of what others think who cares what others think? Your true friends will stick by you. The others will leave but thats their loss
Its your life, your happiness, your future
Do things for you
Not to just fit in
And not given what everyone else wants from you
But doing what you want from you
Harl i hope my words have helped
I would give more
But
Its 3:30am
I need sleep ^_^;
I stayed up to help you
But im so tired ^_^;
Look feel free to msg me tomorrow ill always be around for you
Me: Your words have more than helped, Taiko. I knew I saw something in you, that you could help me return to my wholesomeness. Thank you for sticking with me as much as I've disappointed and hurted you. You mean a lot to me, and I love you.
Tweet dreams, Taiko. I'll message you when you get up.
I appreciate everything you are.
Ex: Ni ni harl i hope you sleep well and yeah ill wait for your msg ^_^ *hugs* thank you for the kind words
Me: *Hugs* Thank YOU for being wonderfluff ❤️
You're the real superstar here!
(Soundtrack: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri)
July 9th, 2018
9:00 a.m.
When I woke, I had dreamed of a message, an objective. "Let's be honest to those that only see me as a toy, nothing more." With that in mind, I set forth to amend my wrongdoings and learn from my mistakes. I'll show them I can change. That was all I remembered from my dream. Nothing else seemed relevant.
10:05 p.m.
Though, I spent most of the day in slumber, recovering from a major headache, I dreamed. When I dream, something is going right, and I am making progress in some way, some how.
(Soundtrack: New Soul by Yael Naim)
July 10th, 2018
Today didn't feel like an extraordinary day. I woke up groggily to the glowing red stars in my room. Dehydrated, I switched on the lights to force myself to wake. I could've gone to the gym, but, seeing there was only an hour left of time, I might as well make the most of it in my room. Push ups, pull ups, sit ups, uplifting stuff. If I'm going to change, I'll keep a log of my progress, here. I checked in with the ex:
Me: I had another dream, that someone was hunting me down in a talent show as I was using a miniature skateboard. They were trying to capture me in an asylum or institution. I drank this potion that granted invisibility for a moment. I escaped the futuristic building, and flew to a shelter, rested until he found me, distracted him by turning on a nearby computer and fled again, flying as far away as I could from it all, the greenery below was a rich neighborhood with mostly trees and generously large housing, flat and neat. It was nearly the winter holiday with string lights decorating the suburb as I soared into the endless dawn.
My last dream I told you about told great truth from it, and I was surprised I didn't take its meaning seriously. It signified There was going to be a great moral decision to come, and that there will be consequences with the decision it anticipated.
It foreshadowed what was to come, and I didn't listen.
I was oblivious to submission, and it became my downfall.
The dreams I have scare me by how much it pertains to, relates to, and provides insight to my life, as if it serves as a guide, nudging my feet to a certain direction if I feel lost, am making progress and need advice, going the wrong way or something different altogether. It is strange, but they're very meaningful. If I had listened to what they warned me about and followed their guidelines, things could've been different.
Anywho, good morning to your fluffy butt ❤️
Ex: Good morning harl
Me: What's on the agenda for today?
Ex: Gym, friends over, games
Me: Ah. Fun! I've work, gym, and reading/writing to do.
Ex: Thats good ^_^
Me: I'm feeling a lot better about this dream than my last one. It's telling me that I am giving a call for help, but it's also saying that I'm into a new era of me, a transition into a new leaf. A lot of my problems are scaring me, but help is there, and in turn, I'm making an effort into an entirely new life I'll be happy with.
Ex: Well you need to not give into lust so easily
^_^
Me: You put it so simply :p
Ex: Is that bad
?
Me: Naw, it's more than that, but I appreciate the insight <3
Ex: Well all i see is your naughty side
Post nudes
Sexing around
Flurting all the time
Its hard not to see that side
When thats the only side i see on everything
Telegram
Etc
Me: Hmmm.
You're right.
Ex: So if thats all i see thats all anyones sees
Me: True, true. Hmmm.
Ex: But you keep wanting sex and to be a slut
You was so upset and sad and all that stuff the other day saying all you said to me
Then 4 hours earlier to you back to slutting again with a pic on your AD
Your words are nothing but air and noise
You say all this stuff but you never do anything to change or show change
You just say that stuff to make yourself feel better at the time, then next day you go back to pimping yourself out and seeking sex.......its a pointless never ending cycle
Me: :(
But I want to change.
Ex: Words are nothing without actions
And i feel like im wasting my time and efforts on someone you doesnt give a shit
Me: Awrph :(
Ex: You know everything ive said is true
Deep down you dont want to change
You are just saying it so people dont look bad on you
You love being a slut and being seen as that
Its a huge turn on for you
You dont want to lose that
You dont want to change
You want to be one of those fur who are forever seen as a slut in the fandom like felix fox
Well congrats your doing great
I need to go ive got stuff to do
Have a good day
Me: Have a good day.
Ex: Hope you have a good think then get back to me
(Soundtrack: In My Mind by Amanda Palmer)
4:46 p.m.
Barracks Duty.
I've all night here. Perfect time to start some reflection.
Hmm. In order to change, I need to step out of my comfort zone, something to which I haven't done in years since I first started.
I need to focus and stop being the selfish monster I am. No more sin. There's more to life than falling into the siren's call. What am I doing with myself? I've been in the same place since I first started this blog. Sure, I joined the Marine Corps, but other than that, I'm no better than before I joined. I'd say I've worsened, really. Read up on my self-help books, journal my thoughts, stay healthy and be active, step outside of my comfort zone, and more.
July 11th, 2018
7:14 p.m.
I was young once. My imagination beautiful, my soul untethered by the drama of my consequences, my heart limitless like the sky and my energy plentiful. I played The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit and couldn't help but feel a bit of remorse for how adventurous, creative, free-spirited and joyful the protagonist, Chris, was. It captured the active and inspiring eyes of a boy who is his own superhero. I remembered the days when I was like that with my plush birds. Robin, a plush bird, and I went everywhere and anywhere. He was my best friend when I was at home, with the exception of my brothers. School, the local zoo, car trips to Lake Superior, I even created a world for this bitty bean of feathers. That's the setting where my current novel takes place. A forest of birds who all resemble flying potatoes. The book hasn't been touched in years since my fire quieted, or, since I gave up trying if I really think about it. Hmm.
Then I remembered what my ex said to me, "Make the leap."
There are so many leaps to make, I might as well be on a floating island. I started reading the self-help book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown. In it, I found a quote that says a lot in the few words it uses: "Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart."
As I progress through the book, my anxious mind settles to a soft realization that I am more broken than I thought I was. I haven't lived in all that time I spent distracting myself with "pacifiers", things that allowed an escape from confronting emotions, situations or ongoing problems that I was too scared or refused to face. It was a dawn of discovery, and the more I am freeing myself from the webs that held me secure, the more beauty I see in the path I am walking, and the more I understand what I need to do in order to change my life to appreciate the person I am deep down amongst all that rubbish I dug myself into. Today I took a walk out by the water, one of the benefits of living on an island. As I tuned into this one podcast about optimal living, I took mental notes about key things to focus on:
Observe my behavior: What are some things I do that show my disconnection with my true self? I check my phone about as often as I look up. When uncomfortable, I'll pull out my flat screened pacifier and tap away.
Take time off and manage my time on electronics: Have breaks frequently and make room for things that really matter, not Twitter posts, emails, or forum updates. Talk to your close and true friends. Take photos. Draw. Read. Repeat with whatever it is that is wholesome and endearing to you.
Meditate: When I sit in a room alone, I'll fiddle with the nearest object. If I took a step back and allowed my mind to wander in a proactive path, I'll find stories I overlooked when I was "too busy" to breathe, memories that I suppressed, obstacles I never knew I had to face or avoided so often I forgot they existed altogether, and so on. Meditation will provide the gateway to a deeper and more meaningful life. An hour a day can go a long way.
Create your story: One particular point I listened in retraced my mind to the memoir I had in the works. It said to think of all the different ways you can interpret your life, and write them down. Do this often enough to where you are comfortable telling your story with others. When I joined the Marine Corps, I wanted more material for my story. Now, with a full mind and patient heart, it's time to write that story and get a grasp of myself. As played out and as cheesy as this is, I can put my mind to anything's possibility. All I have to do is follow my feet down those roads to get that desired new life just beyond the sunrise.
Surround yourself with people who you can inspire from: If you are constantly with those that put you down, try to change who you are, peer pressure you into situations and choices that you're not okay with, remove them from your life. They'll only bring you back and kick that drive out of you. Oh, I so need to get on top of this. I've spent my days with folks that bored my mind, provoked me to become this persona I never wanted to be, yet I fell for their hospitality. I just wanted to fit in, and my, did I do just that, neglecting my ultimate passions.
Taiko, I'm starting to see that canyon I so desperately needed to leap. This is my charge before the grand jump.
(Soundtrack: Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance)
July 11th, 2018
7:14 p.m.
I was young once. My imagination beautiful, my soul untethered by the drama of my consequences, my heart limitless like the sky and my energy plentiful. I played The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit and couldn't help but feel a bit of remorse for how adventurous, creative, free-spirited and joyful the protagonist, Chris, was. It captured the active and inspiring eyes of a boy who is his own superhero. I remembered the days when I was like that with my plush birds. Robin, a plush bird, and I went everywhere and anywhere. He was my best friend when I was at home, with the exception of my brothers. School, the local zoo, car trips to Lake Superior, I even created a world for this bitty bean of feathers. That's the setting where my current novel takes place. A forest of birds who all resemble flying potatoes. The book hasn't been touched in years since my fire quieted, or, since I gave up trying if I really think about it. Hmm.
Then I remembered what my ex said to me, "Make the leap."
There are so many leaps to make, I might as well be on a floating island. I started reading the self-help book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown. In it, I found a quote that says a lot in the few words it uses: "Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart."
As I progress through the book, my anxious mind settles to a soft realization that I am more broken than I thought I was. I haven't lived in all that time I spent distracting myself with "pacifiers", things that allowed an escape from confronting emotions, situations or ongoing problems that I was too scared or refused to face. It was a dawn of discovery, and the more I am freeing myself from the webs that held me secure, the more beauty I see in the path I am walking, and the more I understand what I need to do in order to change my life to appreciate the person I am deep down amongst all that rubbish I dug myself into. Today I took a walk out by the water, one of the benefits of living on an island. As I tuned into this one podcast about optimal living, I took mental notes about key things to focus on:
Observe my behavior: What are some things I do that show my disconnection with my true self? I check my phone about as often as I look up. When uncomfortable, I'll pull out my flat screened pacifier and tap away.
Take time off and manage my time on electronics: Have breaks frequently and make room for things that really matter, not Twitter posts, emails, or forum updates. Talk to your close and true friends. Take photos. Draw. Read. Repeat with whatever it is that is wholesome and endearing to you.
Meditate: When I sit in a room alone, I'll fiddle with the nearest object. If I took a step back and allowed my mind to wander in a proactive path, I'll find stories I overlooked when I was "too busy" to breathe, memories that I suppressed, obstacles I never knew I had to face or avoided so often I forgot they existed altogether, and so on. Meditation will provide the gateway to a deeper and more meaningful life. An hour a day can go a long way.
Create your story: One particular point I listened in retraced my mind to the memoir I had in the works. It said to think of all the different ways you can interpret your life, and write them down. Do this often enough to where you are comfortable telling your story with others. When I joined the Marine Corps, I wanted more material for my story. Now, with a full mind and patient heart, it's time to write that story and get a grasp of myself. As played out and as cheesy as this is, I can put my mind to anything's possibility. All I have to do is follow my feet down those roads to get that desired new life just beyond the sunrise.
Surround yourself with people who you can inspire from: If you are constantly with those that put you down, try to change who you are, peer pressure you into situations and choices that you're not okay with, remove them from your life. They'll only bring you back and kick that drive out of you. Oh, I so need to get on top of this. I've spent my days with folks that bored my mind, provoked me to become this persona I never wanted to be, yet I fell for their hospitality. I just wanted to fit in, and my, did I do just that, neglecting my ultimate passions.
Taiko, I'm starting to see that canyon I so desperately needed to leap. This is my charge before the grand jump.
(Soundtrack: Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance)
No comments:
Post a Comment