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July 12, 2018
8:35 p.m.
Work was okay. I slumped through it nonchalantly and thought about the next step to improving my character. I was observing my behavior with a magnifying glass, noting how I'll breathe a bit faster if something discomforted me, look around if I'm confronted with a difficult situation, refer to the pacifier of my phone if I didn't want to face the awkwardness of vulnerability. After walking home, I pumped some iron, did laundry, and ate a bag of popcorn. I wonder about many things. Sometimes I'll snoop in the dustier areas of a story, looking into the tender spots of someone's past to learn more about them, as well as myself.
July 13, 2018
6:44 a.m.
Staying on track is harder than I thought. There are moments I want to relapse into the corrosion that dragged me down all this time. If I am surrounded by water, it's only a matter of time until I get wet. It's time to remove the negative influences to my progressive change.
July 15, 2018
10:14 p.m.
Oh, how I wonder, how my fleeting heart screams and the morning dwells in silence.
I had another dream. This one involves a pastor at some point, spider webs, my mother asking me about my phone charger, how it was smaller but more reliable, walking in the snow, and online college. My little brother was somewhere in that mix.
"On Friday we'll get Culver's" - my mother to me in this dream
The family was repainting the apartment white. It was already a light shade of gray, but a brighter hue would make the place look a little bit more welcoming. A few extra people roomed with us. My aunt Mary, a Corporal I knew from my first unit at 6th Marine Corps District HQ, my younger brother, me, and there might've been someone else. I remember being followed and I had to take a detour at a nearby school. That mysterious someone set up a trap that attracted spiders. As I brushed off the webs and hopscotched my way through, backpacks littered the hallways. It was autumn, the beginning of the school year. As all my friends flittered towards the home of learning, I had no place to go. Online college seemed like the way to go.
At home I would tiptoe around the place until it was 28:00 (it made sense to me in the dream). I went to one of the remote hallways to open the door for one of the painters. There were a few paintings whose memory was shadowed on the wall when they were removed. The hallway had a portable picnic table and a laptop. This was set in another futuristic city, but the main focus was better public transportation. A dog was there. Snow and the blinding sun.
July 18, 2018
12:47 a.m.
I dreamt I was running around in the yard, as my younger brother and I took turns chasing each other, jumping fences, climbing houses, traveling the seas in one big game of tag.I dreamt of a game pad that had thumbprint identification to help secure purchases. Certain places had to be unlocked. The world was our playground.
July 19, 2018
5:49 p.m.
"You have potential, but that means nothing without the drive behind it."
I got my semiannual pros and cons markings. For those unaware, it's pretty much like a parent-teacher conference where the teacher will sit down with you and chat about how well/not so well your child is doing and what they can do to either improve, change or continue doing. I didn't get an ace score, for I got a pros and cons marking of 4.3/4.3. They go up to 5.0. To me It's like a C+ in the American grading scale. Not too hot and barely above satisfactory. It's a measurement on not only how well you do in the military, but it also is an askew measurement of your life when looking through a toilet roll. I don't go out much, and when I do, it's not volunteering or running. I do that on my own right outside by the water (I live on an island). I have a green belt in the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (or MCNinja as we Lance Coconuts like to call it). Could be better. My Physical Fitness Test score is also not as good as I know I can make it. My senior then goes into a story of The Parable of the Talents. In short, God entrusted three of his servants with talents, to one five talents, the next two, and the final one. The one with ten talents went out and doubled his talents, as did the second one with two. The lonesome final servant with but one hid his and did nothing with it. When God summoned them all, he praised all but the last servant, banishing him, forcing him to surrender the one talent to the talented one saying "For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."
From all of these observations. The dreams I had, the notes I took, the chats I had with friends, my own reflections, here's what I have come up with so far:
I am running away from my problems, avoiding them out of fear. I am being closeminded about the possibilities out there, to the help I really need. Deep down, I know I am scurrying away from myself. There are some things I have hidden so far in the dark chambers of my heart that I don't know where all the cracks in the dam are anymore. I see one major one that I'm currently trying to fix, and that is media and lust addiction. I'll have insatiable drives overpower me like a full moon for lycanthropes. Now, when people try to flirt with me, I cringe, trying to cool the mood to a friendly conversation rather than a steamy locker room party. There are still plenty of things to work on, but I am taking steps to be conscious about them, organizing a game plan on tackling them, documenting my observations and most importantly, seeking help when needed. I tried climbing this mountain on my own. After years of struggling, my growing number of bruises from falling so often left me crippled, scared to even look up to the summit, for that's where the fear stems from. Change. Challenge. Effort. I need all the help I can get, and thankfully, my friends and family are but a message away.
My shovel wears as does my heart, mind, body and soul with every mound set aside. The more I unearth, the more courage it takes to dig deeper, and I find buried rocks that take even greater means to reveal to continue the mission. It's a process, but a necessary one to get to the core of my troubles, but the grounds are frozen from the neglect of my light. Every strike to the ground takes twice as much effort, and the colder I get gnawing away the ice.
I think about you every day, Taiko, and you are the warmth I need to melt the permafrost.
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